


Epiphany

by flowersforlukey



Series: Hiraeth [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Acceptance, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Recovery, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 17:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersforlukey/pseuds/flowersforlukey
Summary: To understand them at their best, is to know better of their worst, their deception, and the underlying love within.Sequel to "Hiraeth"





	Epiphany

**Author's Note:**

> /əˈpifənē/
> 
> (n.) a moment of sudden revelation.
> 
> This is a sequel to Hiraeth which has 20k words so I'm sorry if this has only about half of it. Anyway, there are no spoilers in the summary so you could still go back and read Hiraeth before this. 
> 
> Enjoy, loves ♡

Thor’s eyes were blinded by the streaks of light from the windows, and he tried blinking the blindness away before reopening his eyes and waiting for his vision to return to normal.

The illusion of Loki’s figure no longer rested beside him on the mattress and Thor knew just why because he wasn’t actually dumb. Loki wouldn’t have really allowed his clone to stay longer in Thor’s room and watch his brother fall asleep _because_. No explanation was required to have Thor thinking that the idea was just really out of the question.

Thor forced himself out of the bed in his sweats. His armor was definitely far too unfamiliar to him now for him to actually think of using it daily. Nonetheless, its current room for storage as of now was Thor’s closet, hung neatly together with Stormbreaker which he no longer used unless necessary.

When he exited his room, Steve greeted him from the kitchen. No one else was there so he guessed everyone might still be stuck in their beds. He was heading for Loki’s door when Steve stopped him.

“He’s not there,” he said, and made a gesture towards the fields.

He carefully followed Steve’s eyes until Thor saw him. Loki, also in his sweats, standing in the middle of the pathway to the field just ahead of the trucker, looking absentmindedly into the sky.

Thor retreated from the unopened door, and nodded to Steve’s direction. “How long has he been up?”

Steve shrugged. “Only minutes before you were.”

It was good for an answer. Thor knew what bringing Loki into the house has made of Steve’s thinking, and knew that it wasn’t really a good kind of thinking but Thor guessed he could smooth the matters out for his friend who wasn’t too keen on having Loki with them.

He grabbed a cup from the cupboards and began pulling out the stuff to make coffee. Thor liked it sweet, but knew better enough to know that Loki would much prefer things to be bitter. So he poured in a fair amount of sugar into the cup, just less than the amount he has always considered, and took the cup into his hands.

Steve was staring at him.

Or observing Thor’s actions, he supposed. Either way, there was a subtle smile on his shaven face but it wasn’t really giving off as subtle if Steve intended it to be. The smile was there but Thor could see the uncertainty very clearly.

“I wasn’t really into the idea of bringing him, you know?” Steve said, finally, and Thor suddenly knew where Steve was coming from. The smile fell from his face but his eyes remained at Thor's “I thought it might have been better to give you more time.”

Thor didn’t really have anything on his list of responses to say to Steve, but if he shut his mouth too long Steve might have begun throwing himself into the worry that he might have offended Thor in some way. So he said that it was all right, literally, because Thor still hasn’t awoken enough to dig through his other sets of responses.

“It’s all right.”

That must have been enough of a reassurance to Steve because he was relaxing evidently, like he had been holding his breath for quite a while and Thor realized that he had been as well, holding his own breath.

It took a second for Steve ask again, but obviously it wasn’t really the question Thor was expecting to hear. “Are you happy?”

 _How ridiculous_. The words sounded silly from Steve’s mouth but the thought of actually considering it to be true definitely did not sound silly. Thor thought for a moment, settling for an answer that was neither subjective nor obvious. “I’m more relieved, I think.”

“You think?” Steve gave him a _seriously dude_  kind of look and followed it with a grin. “You just got your brother back, man. You’re supposed to be _hyped_.”

Thor only grinned in response, obviously not knowing what the word meant but settling on pretending that he did.

“You should go to him. You were the first one he asked for when he woke.”

He nodded to Steve’s direction, making it his cue to leave and headed out to the fields.

It no longer surprised Loki; Thor had been doing nothing but tip toe around him for the past few hours he spent in the farmhouse and if Thor was even doing anything to make it less obvious, he was _failing_.

So when Thor approached his brother, Loki did not bother sparing a gaze before knowing that Thor was there. It was all still silent. Everything was, not just them. Not just Thor’s mind which had been filled with nothing but images of Loki and his screams and his illuminated fingers and windows shattering.

The sun was still resolutely below the horizon and sunlight roused tinted colors from Loki’s face. They weren’t speaking, Thor knew that neither of them had their own choice of words prepared but he wasn’t exactly complaining. Loki face was lit with the slightest amount of light and right angles and Thor was suddenly reminded of the night in Frigga’s garden.

He looked away, quickly, feeling as if he was caught doing something very suspicious when in fact Loki hasn’t so much as glanced at him ever since Thor got to the field. This however changed when Loki noticed the sudden movement and turned to him with a questioning look.

“What is going on with you?” he asked.

“Uh.” Thor has to think of some excuse before he remembered the cup in his hands and began handing it to Loki. “Coffee?”

Loki blinked at the cup. “What is that?”

“ _Coffee,_ ” Thor repeated, suddenly growing impatient. Loki quirked an eyebrow at him but made no move to claim the cup from Thor’s hand. “It’s supposed to help calm your nerves down.”

Thor remembered the time he had arrived at Clint’s house, when Laura first offered him a mug, and Natasha encouraged him to take a sip. The memory already felt like ages ago.

“I think I’m good,” Loki refused, pushing Thor’s hand away but Thor was having none of it because he can read through Loki like an open book. Loki glanced at him, quickly growing more annoyed knowing very well that Thor wasn’t easily going to let him off the loose. “All right, _fine_.”

Loki took the cup in annoyance and Thor felt himself break into a grin of victory.

He was thankful though, that he was still in his right mind to pick up a conversation with his brother just to avoid drowning themselves in silence, which Thor has come to accept, was most likely _inevitable_. Loki has never really been the talker; it was always Thor picking up at small details, engaging himself with his brother to show such effort to interact, entering the others’ personal space to ask questions. If Thor wasn’t talking, he couldn’t exactly rely on Loki to spare themselves because Loki just wasn’t going to do that. Thor’s mistakes were still Thor’s mistakes. Thor himself must accept that, but if he still hasn’t, he should now.

“You have come to talk,” Loki said, in a non-accusatory tone that shook Thor out of his thoughts. Thor wasn’t wrong. Loki was still proving himself capable of reading Thor’s thoughts.

“No,” Thor denied easily, the word coming off as a lie more than he had intended it to sound.

“Really?” Loki cast him a side-way glance. He sipped from the cup and allowed his eyes to lay on the horizon. “It’s either that or you personally had to come because you still think I’m one of those _holograms_."

Though it seemed that Loki has already brought the truth about, Thor refused to feel defeated. “It’s not…” he began to say, but his words refused to take flight so he rubbed his hand instead over the stubble on his chin. “You’re here but I feel like you’re _not_  here.”

Thor expected a snort of some sort, prepared himself for whatever mocking Loki might proceed to do and immediately regretted opening his mouth to begin with. Only that Loki still hasn’t said anything, and Thor has begun to think momentarily that his brother will allow his words of ridicule to catch up soon, but they didn’t.

For a second, Thor contemplated throwing a look at his brother just to be sure. He wasn’t exactly certain why he wanted to, but he figured it out sooner than he had expected because Loki was suddenly staring at his face like Thor was bare and his insides were sprawled all over the grass in angry crimson.

“Hold me,” Loki told him. The cup was being set aside on the grass so it was only Thor who was still yet to move.

He blinked at his brother as if the doubt heard in Loki’s voice was somehow heard by Thor. Loki was most likely toying with him now, but Thor couldn’t really care less. He was beyond exhausted and he was certain that Loki felt no different. What was the point of trying anyway?

Ignoring his pride, Thor all but approached Loki in unhurried steps, but when he stopped in front of his brother, his arms practically threw themselves around Loki’s torso too tightly until Thor has Loki’s head jammed underneath his chin.

Loki’s mouth formed a scowl and warned, “that’s too much, Thor.”

“Oh, right. Sorry,” Thor muttered a quick apology and loosened his hold around Loki’s lean figure. He has grown thinner but no less built. He placed his hands on Loki’s shoulder to keep them steady.

“You fret over this too much.” Loki said, clearly sounding unimpressed. Thor wanted to ask _over what_  but Loki’s shoulders began to disperse under his hold and Thor has to close his mouth as he watched Loki’s body vanish into nothingness before him. Thor’s hands clasped around nothing but air and right before he could even recover, he began to feel empty all over again.

An illusion.

“Turn around,” a voice said, and when Thor did, Loki was standing again before him. Surely Loki must have thought that the act was something worth snorting about—Thor’s foolish of a mind, perhaps—because there was a subtle curve at the corner of his mouth and Thor saw red when looking at it.

Loki seemed to notice the change of mood, but even if he did, ignoring it completely must have been his chosen reflex. “I’m here now,” he said it to Thor, hoping he could make it echo in his mind, but Thor felt as if Loki had only said the word like it was nothing but a hallow sentiment.

“Don’t do that again,” Thor gritted through his teeth, heaving out a sigh. He felt exasperation catch up to him all of the sudden, so he set a foot behind him and returned to the house without another word.

…

“Whoa,” Clint mused, hands stilling on the cooled pot as Thor sauntered into the kitchen with a clearly apparent scowl. “You alright? Thought I just saw two copies of your brother out there.”

Thor didn’t answer him right away; his own thoughts distracting him from making out any word. Eventually he breathed out a long sigh and shook his head at the window. “He’s healed of his magic.”

It was annoying, if Thor was being honest. He didn’t exactly know _what_  was annoying but he was sure it had something to do with his brother and his tricks and his stupid imbecilic grin whenever he managed to piss the only person he loved pissing off.

The more the thought about it, Thor found himself arriving to a ridiculous conclusion that Loki was what was annoying him completely down to the core. Of course it wasn’t that Loki had done something that might have pushed Thor to the edge, because he _hasn’t_. It was just. Loki was alive and has screamed at Thor’s face last night and has taken up the room near the staircase and has woken up this morning still very much alive and Thor _still_ cannot wrap his mind around the truth.

He didn’t know why he was unable.

“Whatever you say, big guy.” Clint removed the over-sized pot holders from his hands and hung them on the rack underneath the cupboards. “Hey, I don’t mean to cut any strings, but Steve, Bruce and Natasha in one room? Not working. Natasha has to use her own room again, and I was wondering if you could try to talk Loki into moving into yours.”

Thor sighed again, loudly, just to be a little bit obnoxious. He thought that Clint had no idea that he was still not prepared to share his room with Loki, and even if he wanted to make sure that everyone in the house acknowledged his discomfort so they could _actually_  take some time to reconsider their choices, Thor didn’t exactly fancy the idea of admitting to Clint or to anyone that he and Loki just haven’t _clicked_  yet.

It was ridiculous, really. Both of them were brothers and have shared much more of the same air together than they ever had with Frigga and Odin, and although past mistakes have turned that connection rough, it was no excuse for them to not be able to share the personal space they’ve been sharing ever since they were but toddlers in Asgard.

Despite his unwillingness to follow, he forced a nod to Clint. “Yes, I will try to convince him.”

“Alright man,” Clint grinned at him, and slapped his shoulder dismissively as he left the kitchen. “Here he comes, by the way.”

As if on cue, Loki entered the room, eyes only briefly scanning the area before they landed on Thor. “Oh, you’re there. Have you eaten?”

“I haven’t,” Thor answered, and balanced himself on his feet before gesturing to the table so Loki could settle well. “You must be hungry. Do you want me to cook for you?"

Loki pulled a chair out from the table and took a seat. “Yes, if you please.”

His brother might have been anything but quiet and a little less fidgety with both of his words and actions, but Thor still had to see to his needs. All of the cupboards flew open so Thor could grab all the possible things he might use. He found a carton of eggs and stole the last strips of bacon from the fridge and dropped all of them above the pan. Loki’s watchful eyes were behind him, and Thor doesn’t know _why_ but it was starting to make him feel uneasy.

“You’re burning them, Thor.”

“Hush,” Thor hissed, barely looking over his shoulder to throw Loki a scowl but he managed. “I don’t have time for your insults.”

Thor cannot see him, but he can practically _feel_ Loki rolling his eyes in the manner that has always annoyed Thor. “Would I even bother?”

Thor readjusted his focus to the bacon currently sizzling in the pan and he can’t help but admit that Loki was right—they _were_  burning. The rich aroma of flame beckoned at Loki’s nostrils as he began snorting. Thor ignored his brother and decided to remove the burnt strips from the pan straight away.

“Did they serve you well in Wakanda?” he decided to ask, when Loki took the plate from Thor’s hands and began to inspect the food as if they were poisoned.

“Do you really wish to know the treatment I received in that isolated place?” Loki raised a brow as if to goad Thor. Thor knew the answer wouldn’t at all be pleasant to hear, but he wanted to know nonetheless.

“Just tell me,” he said, lips pressed to a thin line as he took the seat opposite to his brother.

Loki shrugged, using a fork to stab the strips and throw them into his mouth. “Not that they knew much about me as a prince. They gave me meals when I asked for them.”

Thor hummed, satisfied. “And your quarters?”

“They allowed me to reside inside a hut. I refused to settle in their establishments; they gave me no comfort at all and made me feel like a lab rat.”

Thor chose not to comment about it. Instead he settled on watching Loki grab consequent forkfuls despite his brother’s loud protests.

“Your cooking has improved, I must say,” Loki told him between bites, and it was all so sudden that it made Thor bark out a humorless laugh in return.

“You feign such flattering words, brother.”

Loki only grinned because Thor did. “I beg to differ. You may not believe me when I say that I prefer this than the awful excuse of food you offered me in the Allfather’s dungeons. Perhaps the time away from me has made you fix the fragmented pieces of yourself.”

There was something in Loki’s tone that made Thor feel unusually uneasy, yet he made no move to address it, thought it might be wiser if he actually consumed little time to filter his words before throwing them up in the air like neglected concerns.

But Loki noticed, of course. That bastard of a brother can notice everything nowadays and it has even made Thor doubt if he still had some sort of privacy for his own suppressed thoughts.

Loki’s plate was nearly cleared off the left-over eggs when he turned to Thor. “Did you mourn?”

Somehow, the words coming out from Loki’s mouth sounded _off_ and it forced Thor to swallow the lump in his throat before deciding to respond. “Perhaps you wouldn’t be asking if you had already come to know of it through experience.”

“Ah.” Loki shook his head dismissively. “I see that you haven’t changed a bit, but clearly there _is_  little progress I can successfully point out, if your concerns about me should be somehow telling.”

It wasn’t that Thor hated it whenever Loki used his tongue for complicating matters when they definitely shouldn’t sound so complicating, but he did. Loki’s words allowed thoughts swarm his head with unnecessary confusion and Thor hated every single second of it.

“Hand over your plate; I will wash the silverware.”

Loki snorted again, for he found this version of Thor so amusing that it nearly made him uncomfortable to witness how weird his brother had become as a result to, perhaps, Loki’s said _passing_.

“Might you be less arrogant now that you’ve had your companions pick up the pieces left of your soul you’ve been ignoring to notice?” Loki’s grin stretched an inch or two if that were even possible. “You must have mourn so _beautifully_ , brother.”

It was obvious that Loki only meant to press his buttons, but that didn’t mean that it raged Thor any less.

“Loki enough,” he warned, fingers gripping harder onto the plate that he had stolen from Loki’s hands. Thor’s voice did not hint the irritation he felt from his brother’s pestering. “You speak of this as such jest.”

“Oh, do I?” Loki questioned quietly, and it hit Thor that the words he had said had found their mark. Loki batted his hand away when Thor began reaching out to his pale fingers in hopes of offering a silent apology.

The thing is, Loki found satisfaction in throwing out unwanted words in the air only to receive the impact of those words later when they were no longer twisted in his ears.

He was always been the one to provoke Thor into speaking of certain matters that would most likely just pinch Loki in the wrong places.

So when Loki pulled his chair from the table and forced himself onto his feet, Thor instantly knew that he had done the same mistake again. 

_Making things all about himself._

“Must I remind you that you were not the only one who had to suffer,” Loki told him flatly, voice exposing no emotion at all except for the exhaustion in the green of Loki’s eyes. He shook his head in incredulity. “It wasn’t just you, Thor, yet you speak of yourself like you were.”

Then Loki was gone, quick zaps of green light cloaking his figure into disappearance. Thor sighed loudly at the plate in his hands as if it had something to do with whatever had just happened.

“What’s gotten into his ass?”

Natasha arched a brow at him from the door and Thor has to use up as much courage to stop himself from releasing the groan in his throat.

Thor failed to find an excuse to shoot at her but Natasha didn’t seem to mind at all. She welcomed herself into the kitchen and went fishing into the cupboards to grab the equipment she needed.

Thor decided to throw the abandoned silverware and the plate between his fingers into the sink. He figured he could rinse them later when he was finished cooling off from the irritation caused by his brother.

“I’m going to need the room, by the way. I suppose Clint already told you beforehand,” Natasha reminded him, and all Thor could do was nod in agreement. “You think he’s going to be okay with it?”

That made Thor snort loudly. Really, how is it still even a question?

“Barely.”

Natasha grinned at that, obviously finding the sight of Thor looking so distressed over his brother somehow amusing. “He’ll survive.”

…

Thunder boomed across the sky in a manner similar to Thor’s predicted strikes back in Vanaheim, and he was making use of everything in his strength to bring an end to whatever inside his head has caused him to bring forth yet another unnecessary storm.

Loki shoved the door to his room open, causing a sound too loud that would have nearly startled Thor if he didn’t see it coming. He was already scowling at Loki before his brother could even begin to ask. “I don’t know.”

Loki threw his hands in exasperation. “What are you _doing_ , Thor?”

“I said I don’t _know_ ,” Thor repeated, biting out an answer.

“I don’t see how you’re still unaware of the storm you have created,” Loki sighed, and finally took notice of Thor who was watching over the fields through the window with his fingers clenching every now and then around nothing but air. “Put a stop to it, brother.”

Thor shook his head, impatience triggering his nerves. “I can’t, it’s overpowering me.”

The sky was barely painted in scarlet when Thor felt the familiar surge of energy punching out their way from his veins. The storm brewed on the cold horizon promising nothing but winds to level even the mightiest of trees to the soil.

And it was all so familiar, he could say even at this inopportune moment; the build-up of rage forced down within him finally rushing out onto the sky, bringing a series of lightning bolts fresh from the cavity of his soul.

Thor glanced up at Loki with a silent pleading look in his eyes. “Can you do anything to help?”

Loki’s fingers curled around the air until the hinges on the door frame were forced to lock the wood in place. “Don’t be ridiculous, Thor. You know my magic cannot be of help to outmatch that.”

Loki was referring to the sky, which was now a mirror picture of charcoal hues stringed with unsubtle bolts of Thor’s rage. Thor closed his fists again and tried very hard to regain control of the energy that seemed too stubborn even for his patient mind.

The sound of Loki sighing forced Thor to peer at him only for a second, enough to study the drift of his actions as he rushed to Thor’s side and pushed the windows up until the crisp wind was felt against their faces.

Green streaks of energy were soon blasted from Loki’s fingers, and they served both of contrast and a barrier to Thor’s reckless rainfall. It punched through the heap of clouds until they were split into multiple masses and scattered on the now receding darkness of the sky. With a spark of hope in his stomach, Thor watched Loki’s magic work itself around the storm he himself was unable to control, but as a few seconds went by, he began to loose his grasp onto that hope when the clouds Loki had successfully torn apart glued themselves back together in the middle as if a tether was present to do the pulling.

“How is that possible?” Thor asked in frustration.

“I don’t _know_ , Thor.” Loki’s eyebrows were knitted together as he squinted. “Perhaps it would be more convenient if you ask yourself that question.”

Thunder rolled across the sky, seeming to crack the world in half and reveal both Thor’s irritation over his brother and frustration for this certain moment of failure he cannot seem to level.

“There’s something wrong inside your head,” Loki informed him just before his magic began to weaken. Thor was only offended for a moment before he realized that Loki wasn’t really far from the truth. “Your emotions are beyond my control, brother, so I suggest you fix whatever is troubling you.”

And at that moment, Thor really, _really_  wanted to burst out laughing.

The livid green energy faded from the sky all at once. Loki’s arms fell to his side, and beads of sweat covered his face while he steadied himself on the surface of Thor’s floor. “I suppose I should leave you be.”

“No,” Thor rushed out, hands grabbing at Loki’s forearm in reflex before he could even process what he was doing. In a beat, the strings of light trickled down the length of Loki’s arm, emitting a gasp of surprise from his brother that made Thor’s ears ring.

“ _Norns _,__  Loki,” Thor said, panicked, and Loki barely sent a hiss in reply as his fingers curled around the area where the electricity seemed to have concentrated. A healing spell was whispered from his lips to relieve the shock but the force of Thor’s lightning left a stubborn ghost on his skin.

“Your audacity is unbelievable,” Loki said, tightly clutching the area on his skin which Thor’s eyes cannot seem to leave. “If you’re angry with me, at least make use of your words first before you take action.”

Thor sighed, and wished he no longer had a storm to deal with because all he wanted very much was to reach a hand to his brother and offer an apology.

“I’m sorry,” Thor said, suddenly feeling exhausted. “Can you manage?”

“How do you think?”

The dirty look Loki sent him pushed him down onto the bed for his legs no longer hold up the strength to balance him. If there was one thing Thor has learned from any knowledge about his power, was that the longer he tamed it, the more amount of strength it drew out from him.

Loki seemed very impatient. “Can I leave now?”

“No,” Thor said again, and before Loki could shoot his complaint, he continued. “I don’t think the storm will disappear any sooner. Be of company for now, at least.”

If that caused any more irritation to his brother, it didn’t show. Loki was obviously nowhere less reluctant at attending to Thor’s side on the mattress, but he did it anyway, and Thor released the slightest sigh of relief when he felt his brother finally relax next to him.

Several minutes passed between with them. Thor noticed the shift of the wind once strong enough to send static trees into an uncoordinated dance. Thunder no longer roared throughout the sky, but that change alone seemed unnoticeable.

“Are the clouds gone?” Thor asked, wanting to know since he cannot see peer out the window for his body had already given up and fallen onto the mattress.

“The sky is beginning to clear, but it is still dim.”

Thor managed a nod. He wasn’t exactly certain how long they have been sitting there in silence, but he made no complaint as he was more concerned over the sudden outburst of his emotions.

They have been here before. Loki has witnessed these episodes as much as Thor had, because whenever Thor’s rage began to take control that was completely beyond him, Loki was always there to watch the building storm in amusement. Not that he cared too much about its origin and wondered what Thor had gone through to bear fruit to a fascinating show of involuntary energy swimming in the sky of burdened clouds. Loki just simply enjoyed watching it unravel.

Though now, Thor was perhaps seventy-six percent certain that Loki no longer found enjoyment from the incident. He was unusually silent, and Thor for a moment considered breaking into his thick walls of thoughts but decided against it on the last second when he realized Loki would most likely settle on ignoring him.

He didn’t think much about it before speaking up. “You were right.”

Loki threw him a look over his shoulder from where he was seated on the edge of the bed. Thor guessed those three words have satisfied his brother’s interest.

Now that he thought about it, Thor realized that his exchange with Loki earlier that day was perhaps the sole cause of his current outburst. Why? He didn’t know, nor can he imagine being able to seek the answer himself.

He was simply confused, and Thor could bet right here and now that Loki was as well. Thor only trusted himself more to be able to break through that confusion.

“You’re always right, and I think. I think that’s the problem.”

Loki breathed out a laugh. “Will you begin putting the blame on me again, brother?”

Thor shut his eyes close and his fingers gripped the sheets, careful not to grip too hard, for a forceful grip may send shocks through the mattress and hit Loki once again.

“No, it’s just. Everything still feels _raw_ , you know? It seems like I still cannot process that fact that you are here when yesterday my faith had me believe that you will no longer return.”

Another roar of thunder came like the prelude to a great song, impetuous rumbling permeating the air every bit as much as the now slacking rain. At first it was a crack, violent to the ears, but soon dissipating as it was soothed by the cautious slip of Thor’s confession.

Loki’s face twisted into a canvas of confusion until it fell completely. By then, he was lifting himself off the bed and distancing himself several inches from his brother who was lying limp against the sheets. Loki planted himself against the window.

“See? It’s still all about you, Thor.”

And Thor released another sigh, feeling utterly drained from thinking that he has ever had a chance of saying the right words at least for once so that Loki can no longer hint that all Thor thought about was himself.

Apparently, this was the battle that Thor will never happen to win.

“That’s not what I implied, Loki.”

“Oh, you don’t get to disagree with me,” said Loki, sharply turning to Thor who has now sat upright on the mattress. Loki held the gaze longer than he has intended. “You’re waiting for me to betray you.”

It was no more than a heedlessly thrown side-comment, yet Thor found himself holding onto the value behind and focusing on the sharp sting of those words.

By that moment, the storm has then withdrawn. Gone were the chains of unforgiving gale that swept through trees until bent, and the ball of electricity Thor felt inside his stomach soon unwound as the web of lightning on the sky receded with a low resound.

Loki allowed him a share of the stretch of silence, and Thor accepted it though unwillingly. Thankfully, Loki made no mockery over Thor’s the loss for words, and chose not to spare him a glance when more and more seconds of the seconds given were wasted unspeaking and Thor has most likely caught himself on the brink of spilling yet another lie.

The problem was, Thor can longer find another excuse because the truth was already said aloud and clear in the air, though yet to be spoken by himself. He can lie all he wanted but Loki could always beat him to the truth even before he could so much as open his mouth.

“I cannot go through that again, brother,” with a hesitant shake of his head, Thor said, neither denying or confirming the accusation. Though it was already clear to Loki that Thor has apparently proved truth to the latter.

It was only a bitter chuckle that Loki returned to him, then all of his limbs were soon draped with the blinding rays of his seidr. Loki vanished from the room without another word but the ghost of his soul left whispers in the air resembling the continuous screams inside Thor’s head.

…

If he was given a chance to express his gratitude to his friends for not risking a lengthy conversation about the apparent show of lightning that has occurred in the past hour, Thor wouldn't hesitate.

He could rank all four of them according to the amount of interest that dared to show across their faces; Steve being the first one for shooting him a series of questions the moment Thor had stepped out of the door, Natasha falling second for the eyebrow she has barely raised, Bruce coming third for the shrug he offered, and Clint completely closing it with a proud slap on Thor’s shoulder with a blow of ‘ _not bad, man!_ ’

He spent the entirety of dinner forcing himself not to address his brother’s obvious absence from the room, and settled on silently wondering if any of the others happened to notice Loki's absence as well.

But no matter how much he tried to restrain himself from acting out, Thor’s legs still bounced underneath the table in undying anticipation, and his head kept returning to the sight of his brother before he vanished from the room.

Eventually they regarded the elephant as now the room’s wallpaper, and Thor only savored the remaining amount of seconds by chewing on his potatoes impossibly slowly to allow himself a few more moments of silence.

“So,” Clint started, and Thor despised how he rolled the word as if to emphasize the upcoming stretch of a conversation. “Where’s your brother?”

Thor obnoxiously took a long time to swallow his food before speaking. “He disappeared from my room. Though perhaps ‘vanish’ might be the better term.”

“Huh,” Clint said, glancing around the dining room with a fork pointing at every direction. “So he could like vanish whenever he wants? Hell, we might never even know if he’s hiding somewhere watching us eat, and that shit is creepy. Are you ever creeped out by your own brother, Thor?”

Natasha snorted at the displayed behavior, but Thor highly took note of the reserved mannerism aglow within her. He was willing to take a bet and guess that it was because of his recent exchange with Loki which she had happened to witness earlier this morning.

“When he flashes himself during the wrong instances? You could say that I have.” Thor grinned.

Bruce joined the chatter. “Well, there _was_  a time when he turned into a snake to deceive Thor.”

And the conversation was led by Bruce by leaving fine details of the secondhand stories he had chosen to share. Thor returned a few of his laughs every now and then but always found himself recoiling at Loki’s disappearance. Where was he now anyway?

Thor tried not to ponder on it for long, for he will only end up having all the trouble sleeping. He might have even forgotten that Loki was supposed to take up his room tonight and share a portion of his bed perhaps every single day from now.

Thor groaned. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy. It never will, and he learned of his destined failure in mending ties with his brother years before he could even start.

What was he thinking anyway? He definitely shouldn’t have kept allowing himself to hope that Loki would climb his bed without pestering Thor all the while to take up the couch on the lounge instead, because Thor will be only be vastly disappointed.

But Loki did, and he reappeared inside Thor’s room clad in nothing but a silken robe of emerald cluster, scrambling up on top of the mattress beside Thor without a single word or glance spared.

Though Loki’s eyes were inviting, Thor forced himself to swallow every question rising in his throat when Loki gripped at the hem of the sheets and pulled them over his limp figure as well as Thor’s tensed muscles.

Loki’s back was facing him, wanting to plant his gaze on the window along his line of sight rather then turning his attention to Thor, who has now visibly tensed behind. Thor laid on the left side of the mattress, one that was closest to the door which Loki happened to securely lock with his seidr.

Suddenly an immense wave of nostalgia washed over him; light floating under the gap between the floor and the door to Thor’s chambers, Loki having insisted to reveal a sign of his magic in the darkness instead, rather than just knocking on the wood to announce his presence, for it will only drive unnecessary attention to the youthful brothers who have began sneaking into each others chambers in the wake of midnight.

Loki stirred on the bed; one hand reaching behind his ears to rearrange the trail of hair falling over his face. It was only when he’s finished pushing his hair flat against the pillow when Thor caught the sight of bruises kissing the pale skin of Loki’s neck.

These weren’t the bruises he had managed to catch a glimpse of yesterday. If Loki had a trail of marks successfully concealed by a committed spell, these weren’t part of it.

They were mostly plastered near his nape, and Thor barely wasted a second before he was able to notice that there was more discoloration leading toward lower hidden regions, particularly around Loki’s prominent collarbones.

He felt a sick punch to his stomach. Oh how more harrowing it felt to have his eyes fall over these markings when Thor was ever present when these were stamped to Loki’s skin.

Before Thor himself became aware of the apparent signs of an upcoming storm, a lightning bolt escaped his fingers and punched its way toward the recovering sky, a blare of thunder following not long.

Supposedly angry, Loki turned to him with every glare of fury and disbelief, an arm rising from his side, ready to push at Thor and all his willing strength. “How are you still doing th—”

But Thor caught his wrist before Loki could even touch the slightest of flesh, and if the flash of surprise in Loki’s pupils were telling, Thor can conclude that any course of time has momentarily stopped between them.

Without sparing a second thought, Thor propped himself on one elbow and began fumbling with Loki’s robe, pushing the fabric aside enough to expose a large portion of the pale chest. Loki completely stilled against him by then, hands falling pliant and unable and uncontrolled.

Though Thor didn’t stop his actions, his brain screamed at him to do so. What in Hel’s name was he even doing?

He kept his eyes focused on the skin, ignoring how Loki’s widened pupils have began drilling holes in his skull as he stared and studied whatever sign of trickery was shown across Thor’s face.

On one protruding length of bone were great purple welts that have only deepened into scarring. Thor lifted a finger and traced along the mark; the rough pad of his finger a contrast against Loki’s smooth tampered skin, and Loki flinched with just enough movement to shake Thor from whatever trance he was in.

If Thor wanted to withdraw from whatever act he has put up, he would, only that his hand has now found itself locked in a position around Loki’s nape and the finger that was once tracing the bruises was already picking at Loki’s jaw.

He wasn’t going to stop now.

His eyes return to the series of bruises painted around Loki’s neck. They were in a shade of livid purple and Thor wondered if some bones have been cracked. Surely, there were, but seeming as Loki’s magic had been able to restore his strength and fix whatever fragment was present, Thor was already willing himself to doubt the possibility.

Loki began to push against the grasp on his wrist. He tried very hard to free himself, only to fail when Thor’s eyes flickered back to him and the green in Loki’s irises met blue.

“Thor,” Loki hissed, barely a whisper. “ _Stop_.”

Loki’s free hand ran to push at Thor’s chest yet Thor left this unnoticed. His fingers curled around the curve of Loki’s neck and everything just stabbed him right into his core; images of Loki being held up between Thanos’ crushing grip, legs desperately kicking against nothing but air, and Thor failing to do anything to save the last breath of his brother before he hears the sound of Loki’s neck snapping.

His eyes forced themselves shut at the stun of the memory. He felt Loki freeze against him once again, tensing up, but no word escaped into the burdening air between them.

And when Thor opened his eyes, he saw the only sight that was enough to push him into reliving every second left of his life.

His fingers pressed into the skin. “Stop what?”

At that very beat, the sounds of violent thunder blaring outside fell as neglected echoes in the thick silence between them, and Loki’s eyes began searching Thor’s face for something he cannot place.

At last, Loki released the sigh he held back. “Being a fool.”

As if the thin sheet of ice beneath them had fallen into glassy shards, Thor pulled at Loki’s shoulders to draw him in, as how Loki leaned into Thor’s chest with all the last of breaths he could muster. They fell back onto the mattress more comfortably, and Loki laid on his chest as he drew out uneven breaths into the air.

“You make me want to _despise_  you so much, Thor,” Loki said into the skin of Thor’s chest. Thor tightened his hold around Loki’s waist in response.

His heart was pounding wildly against his ribcage and he spent only a second worrying that Loki might be able to hear it. A half-assed punch to his shoulders followed, drawing only a slight sting of discomfort.

“It angers me that you care not about what I feel or what I’ve gone through because you’re too caught up in your own suffering. It _maddens_  me, Thor, and I’ll make it apparent to you as much as I can if you fail to recognize this pain.”

After all this time, the resembling ghost of the words still cut just as deep, spoken or not. Thor wanted to remind himself whilst he cannot undo the doubt he displayed, he has to make up for whatever wrong Loki wished him to rectify.

“I am truly sorry, Loki.”

Loki shifted on top of him, and Thor loosened his grasp as he met the flash of curiosity in the eyes before him. “Do you trust me?”

Thor held that gaze longer than he intended, Loki seeming as if he no longer bore any trace of fear behind those eyes that oh so well pierced into Thor’s. He doubted he could manage to feign repose on his face, for every second Loki spent breathing was another minute spent by Thor’s brain betraying him with words.

“I do,” Thor said, eagerly making it sound sincere even just to his own ears, but he failed, and ended up saying it with the particular stench of a lie. Loki narrowed his eyes at him, forcing Thor to swallow the bile rising in his throat and rephrase once more. “I would now.”

Thor knew he had used the wrong word again when Loki already began shifting against him, pushing Thor away but making no move to address the obvious mistake out loud. Instead, he brought a thumb to Thor’s forehead and pressed down.

A splash of white unfolded in front of Thor’s eyes before he was met with the particular image of himself standing side to side with Loki and the empty void of stars a captivating sight against the glass window.

“Let me rephrase that—do you really think it’s a good idea to bring _me_  back to Earth?”

“Probably not, to be honest.” Thor shrugged, though there was a thump of conviction at every word he dare said. “I wouldn’t worry, brother. I’ve got a feeling that everything’s going to work out.”

Loki remained unspeaking next to him, the quietness they found to be of comfort enveloping them silent and every worry in their heads suppressed.

Thor watched the steady forward of the ship, lost in the rhythmic gush of his breathing. His eyes were glued to the stars; they illuminated the darkness and his fears crumbled to dust beneath his feet. The words, the lies, the hatred, the failures—they now lingered at a distance.

Loki lingered in the stillness of his trance. Neither of them spoke for words were no longer required to keep each others presence occupied.

Then a curtain of blackness descended over them, blocking any access left to the wide canopy of luminous glow. Thor’s eyes raked over the massive structure of a ship foreign to him and to all the knowledge he has acquired, but the arms that have gone limb across his chest only trembled once.

The ship approached closer and faster than Thor could even manage to process. It was a difficult half a minute before he noticed the different look on his brother’s face—the obvious trace of _fear_  and familiar apprehension.

It was by far rare to see Loki carrying the mask of a terrified deer; hands tightening around its frozen figure for all it cared, however seeing Loki act out the very reflex of panic was more alarming to Thor than it was surprising, so whoever was steering the foreign ship towards their own unarmed territory must have been a very threat.

“Thor.”

He snapped back at the mention of his name. Loki looked not at his face but straight into the center of Thor's armoured chest; the very proof of their preserved existence, the sole reason for whatever motive ran through his mind.

“What’s going on?” Thor demanded, deeming impatient at the lack of response. Loki turned away from him and crossed the room, pacing, deep in thought. “Loki, is this bad?”

Loki’s strides were inconsistent; dragging him to the wall only to stop dead in his tracks, head lost in thought, all the while Thor remained stuck to his spot with his chest breaking into a wild chain of unsteady breaths.

Yet Loki did not open his mouth to answer. It sent an immense wave of frustration over Thor, provoking, until the arms once crossed against his chest were reaching up along with the rushed pace of his legs, pulling at Loki’s arm and forcing those frantic eyes to expose all the vulnerability left.

Thor’s eyes never left Loki’s face. His grip was tight and unforgiving but Loki’s body reacted by falling lax and pliant. Still the green orbs on his face failed to look at him, and Thor maximized his voice loud enough to get their attention.

“What have you done?”

Loki either ignored or failed to hear him, for he answered nothing in return. His hands struggled in Thor’s grip, and Thor loosened his hand around them just to see Loki draw them back and clasp the air with eyes closed until rays of glowing green slipped through his fingers.

“This will not last long,” Loki told him, hands wrapping around the irregular pulse in Thor’s neck. He implanted a tracking spell several inches beneath the skin so it would not wear off as quickly as it should, and Thor felt just how powerful the spell had pierced him. “Not long enough, at least. Do me a favor and fight?”

The panic rising in his throat matched the abrupt rise of Loki’s tone. The pale fingers around his neck were almost engraved onto the skin, for the grip was rigid yet careful, and Thor soon took notice of the cruel anxiety in his brother’s head.

“Loki.”

Only then the green orbs abruptly lifted up to meet Thor’s. The flutter of Loki’s eyelids were frantic and the fingers clasped around Thor’s neck grew tense. “Would you trust me?”

The slow build-up of electricity in Thor's stomach served as an answer for now, and his lips failed to form out the words but his now trembling fingers reached for Loki’s hands in their spot around his neck. With a shallow breath and eyes searching for the fear beneath his brother’s, he squeezed.

Loki’s fingers fell from their place, pliant and weak. He spent an entirety of three seconds studying Thor’s face one last time before backing away and slipping out of the room without another word.

The flash of white burnt brightly against the pupils in Thor’s eyes, and the thumb once pressing down on his forehead was now retrieved.

Thor blinked back at the sight of Clint’s bedroom, and allowed himself to take in the features once more, glancing at everything save for the piercing glare of his brother.

“Back then, you never said anything.”

Loki’s voice was soft against the shallow corners of the room, but Thor winced at his tone. “I feared what you might do.”

“Feared, yet to trust alone still you failed to do,” Loki noted, flashing the depth of his stare once more before detaching himself from Thor, ignoring the arms that moved in protest and rolled onto his back against the soft dip of the mattress, settling right next to his brother.

A heavy silence settled over them, thicker then the uneasy tension in the atmosphere, with the muffed sounds of thunder roaring from a distance.

“It wasn’t just you, Thor,” Loki spoke up, easing the tension though with the dismay lacing his tone. “Where do you think I was all the while you overwhelmed yourself with agony?”

When Thor didn’t answer, Loki took the silence as an opportunity to study Thor’s face. Thor’s eyes drooped in a way that suggested his own remorse upon the situation.

The silence stretched further. Thor only avoided his gaze so Loki continued.

“Did you search for me?” he decided to ask, returning the very same question thrown at him by Thor during the events in the previous night. Loki detected the forthcoming of a lie so he added, “only the truth.”

Thor’s eyes met his in a blink. “I couldn’t.”

“Could not or did not?”

A beat. Thor knew his words will only cut wounds but Loki deserved nothing but the truth. “Did not.”

Loki arched an eyebrow. “How come?”

The last blare of thunder faded deeply into nothingness as Thor released the sigh he tried very hard to hold back.

“I thought you dead.”

Thor has well anticipated his brother’s reaction to the blunt statement. Loki’s face broke out into the grin that was so much as feigned, regaining his composure as he struggled in a short stifled fit of laughter.

Thor only watched and waited. Speaking would be very much unwise upon someone who has just as much unspoken thoughts Thor himself has found bearable to release.

“You suppose I assumed very little of you?” Loki turned to him, voice hinting the slightest of dejection. “All those months I spent healing and recalibrating my fitful memory, not once did I ever think you dead.”

Thor held back the hand that threatened to reach out to the skin around Loki’s neck. It appeared to be a pain glowering in its might, engulfing Thor in a whirlwind of emotions and memories and moments of doubt shared with his brother, which will soon drown him if the wrong response to this disclosure was made.

In Thor’s hands laid not only his fate, but his brother’s as well, and Thor felt the burden of the fragile realization that downed on him next.

Loki hid under his stare, the exposure of his vulnerability a problem he must soon force himself to forget.

Loki’s voice turned hoarse by then, and his eyes only searched for Thor’s once until they were now locked, unmoving, and safe. “No matter how much I dreaded the possibility, still I chose to trust you, brother.”

The hands against Thor’s chest no longer remained unmoving as they soon crawled across the sheets to rest against Loki’s shoulders.

“I will fix this, Loki.”

“Fix while you can,” Loki said, fingers finding themselves in Thor’s hair as they ran through the short strands and massaged the scalp. His whisper was barely heard against the sound of Thor’s now steady breathing. “You’re here.”

For a while they stayed like that; Loki’s fingers moving in delicate sweeps to lull Thor into a quiet rest. Thor spent more than enough time registering the fact that the last words whispered by his brother were of those that Loki had spoken for himself.

Between those still minutes, Loki pulled away from his brother to sit upright against the headboard. His fingers found Thor’s hair once again and he began to massage the skin while the trace of time left them in their own undisturbed trance.

Thor’s head ran with thoughts of tomorrow and the future he and Loki were yet to set for themselves. There will be no day when one of their backs won’t turn against each other, for purposes Thor might not know about but he might have to take, though Thor would fight to the very end to find a purpose for Loki’s unceasing presence next to him.

To be glad of today was to fear for tomorrow. Thor discovered the meaning behind those words as he lived through the remaining days given to him, whether Loki chose to stick by his side or not.

They were yet to patch up the pieces lost and left behind, and time will have to stretch longer and longer for them to finally complete the process of rebuilding their broken foundation.

But Thor was willing, and if Loki was willing as well, Thor thought it would not be long until he can fully trust in his brother again.  

_To understand them at their best, is to know better of their worst, their deception, and the underlying love within._

**Author's Note:**

> WELP that's the end of the series. The quote in the end is not written by anyone in particular though *clears throat* 
> 
> anyway thank you so much for the feedback on Hiraeth and I would very much appreciate if you let me know what you thought of this in the comment sections below. 
> 
> Ily all very much. I will be back soon ♡


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